This has been difficult to write and something I’ve been wanting to put down for a while now. For some of you it will be difficult to read.
I was ‘quirkyalone’ from my mid twenties until 38. I love that term, it sums up a time of being single, happy to be and getting on with life. Waiting for the right person to come along rather than a going through a string of terrible relationships. Meeting my husband was love at first sight, our families were both amazed that we’d found each other and so were we.
There is still a taboo in our society about being a woman and being childless. It might be the 21st Century but we are all still expected to do our part and are somehow seen by some as less than women if we don’t conceive. For men there’s still the assumption that they may father a child, after all they don’t have the same time restraints as women do.
At 39 after a short illness the hot sweats started. Looking back now it’s obvious that I’d hit perimenopause. I was living in Kuwait at the time and it’s not something that I ever discussed with a doctor. The weather was hot, so being hot and sweaty was the same for everyone. I didn’t have a clue.
I still held out hope then that we might have children but it didn’t happen. I wasn’t in a position to go to a doctor, pregnancy outside marriage was and still is against the law in Dubai and Qatar.
We married at 42 and a few people asked at the time if we were trying for children. The answer I gave was ‘if it happens it happens’. 6 months later I went for a check up and I was told by a doctor in Qatar that I had no eggs and what did I expect at my age. I was devastated.
There’s this idea that as a childless woman I’m some sort of sad curiosity. The old dusty relative and of course I’ll have cats. Well we’ve got cats but also a dog. I’m an aunt and he’s an uncle but hopefully they don’t think of either of us as old yet?
I remember being around 30 and going to see a doctor about a chest infection and he turned to me and stated: ‘oh you’ve chosen not to have children then?’. I was furious at the time and still think about it now. How dare he make that assumption about me and my life? What I was still blissfully unaware of was that my chances of having a child after 30 were drastically less. A fact I was completely clueless about.
Autumn 2015 the British Fertility Society suggested that every 25 year old should have a fertility check and the newspapers were full of figures of the rise in mothers in their late 30’s and early 40’s. It seems that there are many out there who are still unaware of the risks.
Why is it male doctors are so brutal when dealing with women who are childless? I was never a neurotic Bridget Jones type though I loved the movie. Somehow in my 30’s that’s how I was perceived, some sort of desperate woman who wasn’t safe around your husband.
Many won’t understand what I’m going to write next, some will be angry and many will judge. I had an abortion in my early 20’s. I didn’t want to be a single mother, I was frightened and didn’t know how to cope. I still beat myself up about it, it’s a grief that never quite goes away, certain times of year are harder than others. Though I still believe it was the right decision for me at the time that doesn’t stop the regrets. At the time I was still so young and assumed that one day I would meet the right man and have a family. Preferably 4 children if he was up for it! We are the generation that were given these choices our mothers and grandmothers never had that doesn’t mean we knew what we were doing.
When I told my mother at 43 that I was going through the menopause, she didn’t believe me at first, she didn’t start until 52 and I’m sure she was still hoping for grandchildren then. If you research the menopause that’s the age most of us are supposed to start, but you’ll also find a lot more women today hitting it early.
Now at 47 I know that there won’t be children for us. I struggle like many with the weight around the middle and have taken up hill walking with the dog recently to try and combat it, that combined with cutting out the carbs seems to be working. The walks also give me a way to work through the grief and shout or cry without anyone there to criticise. Because it is a grief that we go through a loss of what might have been. There are so many other symptoms too, the memory fog is one of the reasons I started writing this blog, there’s hair growing in places it didn’t and others are turning silver.
There’s a huge gap between childfree and childless don’t confuse me with the former who’s children have grown and left the nest. I sympathise with their loss but I’m in a very different place.
I beat myself up like many women, I feel guilty that I haven’t given my husband children or our parents grandchildren. My husband is very patient and loving though I do worry that I’m pushing him away instead of explaining what I’m feeling. I know that he’s also coming to terms with it as he really wanted children too.
The world gave us choices with the contraceptive pill but I didn’t really understand the consequences of the decisions I made in my early 20’s, I thought that there was plenty of time. An aunt had her first child in her early 40’s, 3 of my best friends at school had parents who’d conceived later in life. I hope that today’s generation are a lot better educated than we were?
I went back into education at 30 having served in the RAF. I did a degree and trained to be a teacher, life still had so many possibilities. By the time I met my husband I had accepted that I would always be single, that was my life and I was enjoying it. But meeting him changed all that.
I didn’t choose a career over family, it wasn’t a choice I was given. There wasn’t a man in my life. I certainly didn’t feel that single motherhood was a choice I should make which also means that IVF or adoption weren’t a choice. I worked hard because I was the only one supporting me.
Now I’m no longer working as a teacher. I love our life on a Greek island. I look after the home, our pets and my parents. I make chutneys, craft, garden and write this blog. I also have time. Time for me and us. Time to travel and explore. Discovering new places is exciting and fun. We may not have been able to do any of this if we’d had children.
I still wonder how different it would be with a child to look after? I still feel at times that there’s a gap where a child should have been. It’s grief that I’m working through. Does it get easier with time? The pain is still as sharp when it comes but it doesn’t happen as often now.
There are moments when I spiral into depression and want to shut out the world. Stuff food in my face and wallow. Though having done that I know it doesn’t work I just end up feeling worse and putting on yet more weight.
What I learnt recently is if I put on a pair of sunglasses, grab a bottle of water, the dog and head into the hills I will feel better. Nothing will replace the loss of not having children, but the endorphins will at least help counteract the sudden hormone changes that can send me so low.
Some women are child free through choice, some through biology many more these days through circumstance. Though to read the press you wouldn’t know that. Did you know that 1 in 5 women are turning 45 and haven’t had children?
I had no idea the figures were so high, maybe that’s why there’s so much in the press and TV schedules at the moment all about women who are having children. I watch ‘In The Club’ and ‘Call The Midwife’ on BBC, wonderful dramas, well written and acted, but at times it’s also like torture. Motherhood it seems is still the only way to have a happy fulfilled life as a woman on the screen.
Now I’m looking forward to the adventures that lie ahead with the man I love. We are so lucky to have found each other and that is enough. The grief of childlessness is a phase of our lives and we will come through the other side stronger together. There are women and men out there facing it alone. If you meet them please have some compassion. Not pity or derision, you never know why they are childless just that they are.
Some interesting statistics from the organisation Ageing Without Children which aims to find solutions to the social impact later on when there are no informal support groups for people.
“of women who have no children, 10% of them have chosen this (‘childfree’), 10% are medically infertile and 80% are childless by circumstances not of their choice.”
There are no statistics available for men yet as the research hasn’t been done.
Writing this has been a long and thoughtful process. I also researched what others had written about the subject. Firstly I was surprised to find so little from women dealing with this. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was such a recent phenomena in our society. Then I was shocked to find that women who have written about this have been attacked verbally. It still such a taboo subject that is hidden away behind closed doors.
For me this has been a way of moving forward to the next part of my life. I hope by adding my voice to the few that have explored this online it will help others that are out there.
There is so much more about this I could add, how childless people are treated in society, the workplace, by strangers and well meaning friends. That’s all for another time. If you’ve read this far thank you.
Some more childless blogs:
Most of the bloggers I follow write about their children and families. I love reading it but found it difficult when starting my own blog. Where were all the women without children blogging and what were they blogging about? Here’s 3 that I have found:
Joy from My Travel My Joys is an American expat living in Melbourne she writes about travel and expat life.
Kim from Kim Today blogs about life, she has a great manifesto on middle age. She’s in rural Ohio, in the foothills of Appalachia and her takes you with her running through those hills.
Kev from Um Lisboeta Inglés – An Englishman in Lisbon talks about his life as an expat teacher and the places he visits.
Bren from Gals pushing 50 and beyond blogs about life during the menopause she is straight talking and be warned you will be told everything that a woman goes through. She also runs a support group for women.
Blogs/Writers/Support groups for women who are childless
I’ve recently also found a few that tackle the harder questions we face as the reality of childlessness sinks in:
Gateway Women not just a blog but a resource and place to find other women who are going through this. Founded by Joy Day.
From Forty with Love a blog looking at childlessness, relationships love and all that comes with that written by journalist Katherine Baldwin.
Quirky Alone written by Sarah Cagen looking at childlessness and being a single woman in today’s society.
The Savvy Auntie Melanie Notikin writes for the Huffington Post taking on the case for otherhood for women in their mid 40’s.
Did you find yourself childless in your 40’s, how have you coped, how has society treated you? Are you a blogger without children? If you enjoyed reading this post, if it helped you or may help others you know please comment below and share. Thank you
Amanda, thank you so much for writing this! The world needs our honesty and our experiences, all of which are unique and yet share common threads of grief, exclusion, healing and finding life after childlessness. I’m passionate about seeing childless people better cared for and included by society, especially by the Christian church, of which I am part. I have just released a book on Surviving Childlessness: Faith and Furbabies, a quirky and candid look at childlessness in the church. I hope to keep promoting these messages of hope and solidarity amongst the childless community, and I’m thrilled to see other writers such as yourself walking the same path! Keep writing!
Thank you Steph it’s great to connect with like minded people and I hope that more speak out about being childless whatever the reason is. I wish you luck with your book, the church can be hard when it comes to people who live their lives a little differently. Take care.
I love this blog and can relate on many levels. Almost 49. Childless by circumstance is the best articulation for my reality ever! Just got down from that walk up the hill with the dogs, literally, to see this post. How does one get into blog writing? I’d love to! The world needs to hear from us! We have peers, though many are in hiding. I’m forcing myself to write less here. Hugs! Thank you!!! This was like a missive from a guardian angel, that I’m not alone and it is okay to be me.
Hi Shelley, I’m so glad to be of help and you can write as much as you like here. It is definitely ok to be you. You can start a blog very easily in many different ways. If you want to take the blog thing further let me know and I will happily help you. Keep on being you.
I’ve posted this to a great group I belong to on Facebook called “childless not by choice” support group!
I was so happy to read the blog. Period!
People are beginning to express regarding this taboo subject and it is greatly needed!
I am 63. Can you imagine that ?
And it is as relevant today as ever for me!
Thank you
I look forward to connections with your followers.
I won’t say much about the struggle, the pain, the devastation. We all know this by heart.💕
It’s like Christmas morning and all the other little girls get a special baby doll to love.
But we are told NO not for you sorry!
And we Go sit in a corner and lick our wounds.
Life goes on and we mostly make it through…but there is a veil of grief over the top of all of life for those that are childless not by choice !
Thank you
Thank you for your sentiments and support, I really do appreciate it so much.
I found this incredibly moving, I too am childless and for my sins blog. And I’m married to a wonderful man who has three children, and although I’ll never be their mum, I have done my bit in bringing them up. I’m judged regularly for not having children, but it’s no-one else’s damned business, and I take great pleasure in telling anyone who comments exactly that. I filled my life travelling full time, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, my life would be a far different one if I had children, so I’m thankful for the opportunities that in itself has afforded me. Thank you for writing so beautifully, and honestly
Thank you Nicky, yes it’s amazing how our fertility is so public and private. And as you say we’ve been able to do some amazing things with our lives which would have been very different if we’d had children. And I don’t know about you they made me who I am today and I like me 🙂
I found this by chance after reading your GenX post on travel blogging. Thank you for articulating so powerfully the many issues surrounding childlessness. I had a premature menopause in my 30s, possibly linked to undiagnosed autoimmune diseases, and met my now-husband at around that time. I can relate to much of what you say, and I thank you for saying it.
Thank you Bernie, I can’t believe it’s a year since I wrote this. It really helped me to move forward. A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with an under-active thyroid, despite previous health checks showing up as fine. The doctor now thinks that may have contributed to my fertility issues. There’s nothing we can do about that now though. It sounds like we have a lot in common 🙂
Absolutely. 🙂 It’s strange how a diagnosis can suddenly make sense of things that have been loitering as issues for years. Although there are consequences that can’t be unpicked, I am actually more well now than I was for many years, and that helps. Wishing the best for you from whatever treatment regime you elect to follow.
After over a year of trying to conceive naturally and 5 rounds of IUI, a surgery to remove endometriosis revealed that I had many other medical complications that would make getting pregnant naturally very difficult. After much research, we decided to pair up with Biotex clinic. Great clinic in Kiev city. Our doctor explained that with the complications I had, our best chances of having a baby would be through in vitro fertilization. And he suggested that we do the mini- stim cycle. We choose all- inclusive package with ultimate attempts. One thing we noticed right away was that our doctor had an eye for detail. My husband and I were both tested for various conditions, as to not miss a thing and increasing our chances of conceiving. We were both excited and very nervous to start the process. I loved having my own personal coordinator who I could call or email anytime and get an almost immediate response back. And we have no language barrier which is just great. Skip ahead we were finally pregnant! And on January 12, 2017, all our dreams came true as we welcomed a gorgeous 6 pound 6 ounce baby girl with blue eyes and lots dark brown hair!! We could not be more thankful to have Biotexcom and his team in our lives.
Amanda, your story resonates with me so much, thank you for sharing. I vowed this year would be the year I speak out more about my experiences as a childless by circumstance woman as the stigma and hardships associated with this struggle deserve more attention, compassion and understanding. As someone who always envisioned myself being a mother I struggle to put meaning to my life without children but people like you have given me hope and inspiration, for that I thank you! XO
Thank you Kara, I’m so glad that through this I can reach out to others. It’s so hard to get through alone and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As more of us speak out the more understanding there will be in our societies.
I never thought I’d be writing this message but after 4.5 years of and nearly lost my marriage due to not be able to have a child, severe endometriosis and scarring, I was told that IVF was the only option. This was something we could not afford and had almost given up hope of becoming parents. A friend of mine recommended priest raja to me and persuaded me to contact him, he did a spiritual breakthrough for me to make me get pregnant, within 3 weeks I was pregnant (naturally!!!) and gave birth to our son in july. I am writing this message for those women who are at the stage I was depressed with no light at the end of the tunnel. give priest raja a try to help you solve your problem, and hopefully you’ll have the same success that I have had. Here is his email address priestraja@mail.com . wish you all happiness in your marriage.
I’m really happy for you and your family. We all find different paths in life in different ways and it’s good to help each other. Thank you
Beautiful post! It’s interesting to read this perspective. It’s interesting how you mentioned that a doctor said that you “chose not to have children.” On the flip side, having one child I’m often pressured to have more children so my son will have playmates. Your post is so insightful and full of emotion. I’m glad you wrote it to provide a view that few openly discuss.
Thank you Kimberly, it continues to astonish me how opinionated everyone is when it comes to women reproducing, I thought we’d left that behind last century but it still seems that most of society still thinks that’s all we are there for! Enjoy your child we should never feel guilty for what we do or don’t have, life is far too short 🙂
Amanda, Thank you for sharing your story. I have a similar story and found your post in the midst of trying to grapple with the latest iteration of my situation. I had many years of letting it go, but in the last few years new circumstances have brought back the pain more painfully than I ever could have imagined. My favorite sentence in this post: <> Profound and incisive. You’ve inspired me to write about my story in the service of letting someone else know she is not alone. Thank you! Btw, I visited Greece for the first time this September and, of course, loved it. Is there anyone who doesn’t?
Thank you for your kind words Kim. I’m so glad that writing this has helped you. Good luck writing your story I know how hard it can be be and would love to read it…
I can’t believe I missed this brave post. I for one welled up reading it. For a completely different reason I have no children, although I did have two ready made when I married their dad. I was only 18 when we married and although I knew he’d had ‘the snip’ I was too young to really understand the impact of my decision. Together we’ve been through some dreadful times including the death of one son. Now, 40 years later, we relish our life and live for today always thankful that we have each other. More than anything the love for your husband and your life shine through. A word of warning though, just when the painful question, ‘how many children do you have’ stops it is swiftly followed by ‘how many grandchildren do you have?’
I hope you are on an ‘up’ again now. X
Thank you Yvonne, the process of writing this helped me a lot and we are certainly grateful every day for what we have. The world we live in is so crazy today we are lucky to be here at all. The grandchildren question is due to raise it’s head soon, my brother is already a grandfather and my contemporaries all now have children in the their 20’s it won’t be long now! 🙂
Hi Amanda, I’ve been enjoying your wonderful photos on Instagram for some time now but this is actually the first of your blog posts that I’ve read (I’ll be reading a lot more now!). Thank you for sharing this. One of my worst experiences as a new expat, at the age of 40, was at one of my first coffee mornings when a woman literally turned her back and walked away from me when I told her we didn’t have kids. It stung at the time but I like to think that she missed out on a super babysitter and always available emergency contact. I’m so glad you shared your story – its very brave of you, and while the details of our story are different, we are also childless by circumstance. I am working on launching my own blog soon as you’ve made me feel more confident about tackling this issue in the future. Thank you and please keep the wonderful photos coming.
Hi Sarah, I do love Instagram, it’s such a great escape seeing where people are in the world. I’m so glad to hear that this post has helped you in some way. It’s something that is so rarely talked about and yet there are a lot of us out there. The expat world is full of people like us but we don’t fit into the mummy clubs and coffee morning crowd in the same way. We should start our own 🙂 good luck with the blog and send me the link when start it x
Thanks again Amanda – maybe we need a virtual coffee club! And thank you for then encouragement on the blog. I’ve finally hit publish and you can see it http://www.browneyedgalabroad.com. Loved the Symi piece too. Many years ago my uncle went to Symi and met a girl…..who turned out to live five miles from him back home. The rest, as they say, is history so it was lovely to read about a place which has played such a big part in my family’s life!
Thanks for the shout out! I should write a blog post about being childless by design sometime soon. It would probably be a bit controversial.
Kamba, childlessness is controversial whether by design, choice or circumstance it’s just something that society seems unable to accept yet. I hope you do write your post, it’s your life and your choice, let me know when you do. Thank you
Hi Amanda,
First of all, thank you for the shout-out. Your article inspired me to write my own “childless” article in the near future. I know sometimes it’s just not in the cards for us to bear children. My mother was one of those. She couldn’t bear children so she adopted a boy and then me. Have you considered adoption? There are times that I wish I did have at least one child, however, there are more times that I’m glad I didn’t. It may sound selfish but I prefer furchildren to human. 🙂 I believe that our path is already set for us when we are born and if it was meant to be, it would happen. It’s rare now at 47 for someone to question me about not having children. Previously it would happen and I would just say, I got married late in life and we both decided against children. I guess it kind of helped my hubs already had one. Overall, I know things happen for a reason and for whatever the reason for me not having children, I have to accept that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Love your post gf!
Thank you Brenda, you made the the choice not to have children and that’s is what you wanted. I understand that there may be the odd regret for you but you sound happy with your life. Unfortunately it wasn’t a choice for me and adoption while living overseas is a complicated and in many countries impossible and no substitute for bearing my own children. Also we met so much later in life that the chances of being able to adopt if we moved back home now are really very slim you might find this article interesting. http://gateway-women.com/why-dont-you-just-adopt/ There are also many other posts on that site that may help when you’re writing your own article.
Beautifully written Amanda
Thank you Alison x
Very brave to bear your soul. ( I have children as you know!) but it was not what I thought it would be. Nobody can be prepared for what their own unique life throws at them. My serious bouts of depression so often got in the way of enjoying them and life in general, and continues to do so, unfortunately. So often I wish I could start all over again – maybe I should start believing in reincarnation! I think we all have regrets, what might have been if only…. It really doesn’t get us anywhere as the past is gone and with it the missed opportunities, the mistakes we made. But I suppose that’s life. Thank you for being a friend to my daughter.
Thank you Jenny, we certainly never know what life has planned for us next and can only make the best of what we have. I’m lucky to have great support from family and friends around the world and now readers too and maybe we can all be there for each other. It was lovely to meet you last year and I’ll always be a friend to your daughter x
Thank you!
Thank you Amanda for opening your heart and sharing with us. I think that meeting with your husband later in life is wonderful. You have had more than one career and seen a bit more of life than a lot of women. I have read quite a few of your blogs and envy your life, it seems so exciting to me. Living in Greece seems like heaven to me. I know you will miss your husband when he is away, but contact is so easy these days. How exciting it must be when he comes home too, it must be like a holiday and you must have so much to talk about. We all think that we have missed something out of our lives and we don’t always appreciate what we do have. I was pregnant at 15, I got married and was a mother at 16, divorced at 27, lived with my next hubby for 19 years then got married. In the meantime my single daughter had a daughter at 30. My second hubby died of cancer when he was 55, my first hubby died five months earlier from fumes from his gas fire. I got married again when I was 59 that was five years ago. My relationship with my new hubby is so different now that we are 64 and 70 respectively. We are retired and we spend so much time together. I love my daughter and granddaughter ( now 17) very much, and I am proud of them both. We have had very different lives Amanda.
Thank you Eve, we have certainly had very different lives indeed, but we both love Greece. Yes we do have a wonderful life here and I know I’m very lucky to be here with the man I love. It sounds like you have a good life too with your husband and family 🙂
I never wanted children but if it had happened, I’d have been okay with it. It irritates me when I’m told I am selfish for making that choice. When I’m told that it is a woman’s duty to have kids. And when government gets involved and starts legislating against those who have not had children, I despair. https://stolenchild66.wordpress.com/2014/09/05/the-cost-of-not-having-kids/ Sad, really.
Mary no one has the right to question and make comments the way they do about women’s fertility and the choices we make.
As for governments legislating against those without children, that makes me angry to read. Thank you for your comment and link
Powerful stuff. I agree that we’re still pretty seriously uninformed and, working in this business as an EFL teacher, I still have a lot of female friends who receive the same tactless questions and judgements.
All the best with your life there, and being happy with what you have.
Thank you Kev, hopefully by sharing our experiences through this there will be fewer of those tactless questions and judgements for future generations.
What a brave blog Amanda. You have brought tears to my eyes whilst reading this. We never know what is behind people’s lives when we meet them. To be so open and honest about your situation must surely have been cathartic for you in one sense yet frightening in another fir fear if what folk will think. Having children myself I cannot imagine what it feels like to have been denied motherhood but like you I had an early menopause at 34 following an emergency hysterectomy. The symptoms of that alone are enough to drive you crazy and cause instant divorce but at least I had my sons. No one ever has the right to judge another by there family set up. It would appear to me that you have thrown yourself into other things to fill the childless void. I am sure that there are many children across the globe whose lives you have enriched with your teaching. Take comfort that for some of those children you have’ mothered ‘ them more than they would have recieved in their family home.
Believe me when I say the menopause doesn’t last forever! There is light at the end of that foggy tunnel! Us women were born to soldier through whatever is thrown at us and the menopause is certainly a challenge that’s never spoken about until you are in the midst of it! Perhaps a new challenge for you would be to write about your experiences of the menopause and together with your wonderful culinary delights combine it with healthy eating tips fircmenopausal ladies?
Thank you for sharing your story- I’m sure you will feel the load lightened slightly for doing so.
Thank you Helen for such a thoughtful comment. Life certainly does challenge women and society doesn’t help at times. It’s good that we can now share through forums like the Internet and help each other. I’m looking forward to the end of the hot sweats in this heat! ?